I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
