1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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