I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize