I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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