just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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