I am puke
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
