im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
