why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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