my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
false alarm, still single
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
