Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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