I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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