The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
