she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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