honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
