Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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