I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
