someone get that fucking seahorse.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
