i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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