i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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