Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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