I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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