her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
