How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
