I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
