dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
