I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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