So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize