I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Randomize
