Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
