she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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