he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
