I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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