My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
