Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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