How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
