Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
