Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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