Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
