its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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