they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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