I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize