I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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