Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
