those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
