then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My bed smells like the plague
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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