I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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