ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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