K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
