dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You took a bar mat shot.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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