i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
