I'm jealous of your bromance
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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