I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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