I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
