I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize