I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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