I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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