Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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