I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
