I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You're a waste of cheezeits
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
