dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
