whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
