I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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