Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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