my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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