I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
