Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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