I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
