On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
