All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I want to walk on stilts...naked
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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