lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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