My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
