I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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