K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
