I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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