He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
ttyl tear gas
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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