I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
